


never good enough

by osakiss



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst with a sad ending, Gen, Good Twin Bad Twin, Roommates, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Notes, and i decided fuck happiness he gonna, creatvitwins angst, it was at 2am when i had this thought, jokes aside if reading abt these types of subjects does upset you PLEASE dont read this, sorry i guess i just wanted him to suffer for like no reason, the self harm is horrid in this sheesh, this is not for the faint of heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-25
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2020-11-25 15:09:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20914136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/osakiss/pseuds/osakiss
Summary: A drawing being the catalyst for Remus' realization of what a problem he is to everyone around him. So he does what everyone does with problems...Get rid of them.





	1. Taking

**Author's Note:**

> yo! last warning in case you didnt read the tags!!! this fic deals with suicide, self harm, and negative self talk so turn back NOW if youre not comfortable with those things!

Remus clutched the paper in his hand, tears streaming down his cheeks, and stomped over to his bed. He jumped knees first and rolled into the corner before going back upright, resting his head on his knees. He could never do anything right. He was the _ bad _twin, the mistake. Why did he ever believe he could be accepted? Why did he believe that if he tried, something would change? Neither of those would occur. Remus should’ve known. Only further proves how stupid he really is.

He opens up the paper and stares at it. It depicted a detailed drawing of a character Roman created, Remy, choking on their own blood. Remy’s hands were on their neck, their sunglasses hanging on by a single ear, their pupils tiny. The blood was projected to the front of the page, making it seem three-dimensional. Remus was extremely proud of it, while Roman less so. Roman looked uncomfortable. He may have said it was incredible, he may have smiled, but Remus knew the truth. Remus could see how forced it was, the aversion of his eyes, that his eyebrows had furrowed. He knew that Roman hated it. 

Remus crumpled the paper back up and threw it across the room before getting up and picking it up again. He repeated this process again and again, wanting to be proud but becoming more critical with each time he looked the drawing over. 

Too gruesome, why can’t he draw something more cute? Like Roman can? They’re both very artistic, but in extremely different ways. 

Too vivid. Can’t he do something simple? Simplicity is better than the details he gave to something so _ horrifying _.

Too graphic. There was no need to make Remy suffer. He must be a sadist. A sick, twisted sadist that only causes pain to everyone around him. A problem. Just a gruesome, vivid, graphic problem.

An idea struck Remus, like a light bulb smashed against his skull. Problems are meant to be taken care of, and if he is nothing more than a problem then shouldn’t he just… take care of himself? Get rid of himself. He smiled. Finally! A good idea!

Roman would be proud.

Remus got to work. He rushed over to the wrinkled drawing on the floor, picking it up. Remus flipped over the paper before realizing he didn’t have anything to write with. He got up, rushing to his bed and searching through his pillow, grabbing a pen and falling off his bed so he could slide over back to the flipped drawing. He scribbled all over the paper, writing smaller than usual. He wanted to fit every single reason why he was doing this. While Remus was sure everyone would be happy once he was dead, he wanted to make sure everyone knew exactly why. He wanted all of his thoughts down on paper, no matter how scatter-brained the paper would sound if read aloud. His face was much closer to the paper, his writing a bit slanted and extremely tiny. Once finished, he gave it a look over and decided that it was enough. Remus nodded, smiling to himself. The first and last piece of good writing that came from him.

Remus dusted off his legs and placed the paper underneath his lamp on the desk next to his bed. His knees grazed the floor roughly as he went underneath his bed to complete the final task, actually dying. Remus grabbed the large kitchen knife from the duffel bag and crawled back into the light. He crossed his legs and decided to test out if the knife would really do as much damage as he wanted it to. He pressed his fingertip at the bottom and glided it to the top, removing his fingertip to see the deep cut and gushing blood from the wound. There were stars in Remus’ eyes. The knife would do the job perfectly.

He hopped up and sat on his bed. A literal death bed. He sat criss-cross once again, and began to press all his fingers to the knife. The pain was exhilarating, he didn’t know why he ever stopped. 

“Well,” Remus said to himself, “Roman told me to stop. But he isn’t here right now, and he’ll surely be happy once I’m done.”

He began to blush. The blood was so warm, it was making him feel all types of giddy. The blood from his fingers looked beautiful. The deep red was something he could never recreate on paper.

“Unless I use my blood to paint it. Ah! Should’ve done that sooner. Too bad, I wanna go away right now.” He giggled. He thinks he’s rather funny. Oh, what should be his last words-

But nobody will hear him say those words so did he ever really have any last words. Only he would know, and he would be dead. No point then. Maybe he’ll just say butts before he dies.

He shrugged before continuing. Remus rubbed the blood all over his arms before drawing swirls on his cheeks. He wanted to see how they looked! He shot up from his bed, but then sitting back down as his head got hazy from doing that. Remus got up gently in a few seconds and went into the bathroom. The dried blood didn’t look as good as it did when it was from a cut, but he accepted the way it looked. Unless, he cut his cheeks! The beautiful red would paint his cheeks… rosy! Rosy cheeks, how cute. He’ll die a very cute boy. But Remus didn’t want to constantly keep getting up to see what he did to himself, he didn’t want to prolong the process. Remus wanted to appreciate his death, but wanted it to happen as quickly as he could manage. He really didn’t want Jan walking in on him, he might try to stop him. Remus grabbed the hand mirror on the counter and dashed back to his bed, where the kitchen knife was left. He sat back into his previous position, the mirror to his left. 

Remus took the mirror in one hand, the knife in the other and dug the tip into his cheek. The pain made his eyes shoot up, a smile forming on his lips. He put the knife back down and shook his head. He couldn’t get distracted by the pleasure! He had to finish this in one night. Nodding to himself in the mirror, he grabbed the knife again and stretched out the previous wound on his cheek, following a swirl pattern. He made sure he curved it, not wanting it to turn out jagged. It looked like the swirl in those cakes with strawberry fillings, just a better food coloring. Remus smiled again, despite the pain. The movement from smiling made some blood come out, which made Remus tut a bit, but he simply rubbed it all over his cheeks. 

The next step was to peel the skin off his right arm. He angled it so his thumb would be right in front of him. Peeling was going to be a bit more difficult, but nothing Remus wasn’t up for. The knife grazed his arm a bit before resting on his forearm. Remus tilted the knife horizontally and dug the knife into skin. It was a horrible sensation, but he couldn’t stop. He deserved this anyway. Remus continued pushing through the skin with his knife, watching the deep red flood the rest of his arm. He cut off the rest of the skin, stopping at his thumb.

Remus decided it was time for the finale. He put the handle of the knife into his mouth and stretched out his arms in front of him. The location of the veins were going to be the final piece of skin he pierced through. Adjusting the ledge with his teeth, he narrowed his eyes onto the bottom of his forearm. He dove at it and carved the knife right before hitting the veins. Remus raised his head to admire his handiwork. There was a giant gash in his skin, blood pouring out violently.The cut wasn’t as deep as he had wished for, but that was fine. There was always a second time. Remus kept diving, going for different angles sometimes to maximize the damage. In the end, his other arm was a mess of dark reds, splattering all across his legs, his face, and the knife. Remus spat out the knife and rubbed his left arm on his pants a little bit. He was feeling a bit light-headed. It might be all the blood loss, he has no clue, but he can’t help but want to fall into an internal slumber.

And so he collapses across his bed, his legs still crossed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> m sorry if you felt like the cutting was unrealistic cos he wasnt thinking but like idk i just based it off my experience??? i didnt usually think at all when self harming so aha yes  
next chapter will contain,,, finding the body and everyone's reactions :3c


	2. Discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus, Roman, and Logan mourn Remus' death.

It was 9 in the morning when Janus returned to his and Remus’ shared apartment. Janus sighed, and locked the door. 

“Remus?” Janus called out.

No response. 

Janus sighed exasperatedly. He didn’t have time for Remus messing around.

“Remrem, could you please be a good boy and come outside? I need to talk to you. Nothing bad, don’t worry.”

Still, no response. Janus found that very odd. Remus usually said _ something _ when Janus called him Remrem. 

Janus decided to investigate. First location being the bathroom. Remus loved to fuck around with Janus' paints, and, according to Remus at least, always did his best work there. Janus turned the knob and entered only to find red on the floor.

Janus' brow furrowed in confusion. Remus always leaves his art _ in _ the bathroom. Something bizarre was going on. Maybe Remus managed to get himself drunk, despite his incredibly high alcohol tolerance. 

“Remus? Octobussy? Where are you?” He sang out the last part, hoping for a response. Still nothing.

Janus gave up on the bathroom and entered his room. This would be the only other place he would be when Janus was out.

The sight that greeted him in the room is something he will never be able to efface from his memory. The dried blood, fresh blood, horrible scent, and _ Remus’ dead fucking body _. Blood was all over the carpet, the stains would take forever to clean out but that was the least of Janus' concerns. His best friend’s mangled corpse was right in front of him. There wasn’t a single chance he was alive, not with that amount of blood loss.

Still, Janus checked his pulse. Janus tried to talk to him. He couldn’t believe it. Remus can’t die, he was much too full of life for that. Tears welled up in his eyes as he realized he was never going to get a response.

“Ree? Wake up? This prank isn’t funny, you know…” Janus said, his voice broke.

Nothing. Silence. Silence never suited Remus. 

He really was gone, and there was nothing Janus could do about it. 

The dam of unshed tears breached through and flood all over his cheeks. There was nothing he could do to bring his best friend back. Nothing. Some fucking best friend he was.

Janus knew about his suicidal urges. Knew about his depression, his low damned impulse control, but still left him alone for the night. Janus thought he was getting better, and that was his biggest fucking mistake. While he should never suffocate Remus, he should’ve been there. Stayed tonight. It would’ve made all the difference, but he didn’t do it.

Regret swelled in his chest, making him clutch it as he cried harder. Janus sobbed into the ground, his face beginning to hurt. Remus was gone. _ Gone. _ Fucking gone. Never fucking coming back. Not a prank, not a joke. He was really, truly gone. Couldn’t even save him in time. He was dead.

Janus picked his head up only to be faced with the sight of Remus’ corpse and he hung his head again. He never wanted to face that sight. _ Never. _No matter how much Remus would annoy him, Remus himself wasn’t annoying. Remus was his best friend for a reason. Remus was… so precious to him. 

And now he was gone.

Janus was still looking down when he picked his head back up. He tried to stand, his legs a bit wobbly. Janus exited the room, searching for his phone. Once located on the kitchen counter, he grabbed it and dialed Roman’s number.

“Hey Jan!” Roman giggled into the phone. “What’s going on in that sexy brain of yours?”

“Remus is dead.”

Silence. That horrible silence.

“...Pardon?”

Janus rubbed his temples. “I said. Remus is dead.”

A soft gasp was heard. 

“No. No way. That...That can’t be true. He’s not dead. He couldn’t be. Not Remus…” Roman continued to ramble incoherently. Janus shut his eyes tight before speaking up.

“I’m sorry, Roman.”

That was the line that broke him. Roman sat there, staring at his phone in horror. He could feel the tears stinging his eyes. Roman was currently in a coffee shop with Logan, catching up on his calculus homework. 

“Roman? Is everything quite alright?” Logan tilted his head inquisitively. 

Roman shook his head. “No, no it’s not. And it never will be again. Never ever…ever.” He clutched the sides of his head and began to let the tears spill.

Logan was alarmed. What could cause Roman, the dreamer, to say such a thing? 

He sat up put a hand on Roman’s shoulder. “Are you willing to tell me, Roman?”

Roman looked into his dark blue eyes and his lips wobbled.

“Remus...he...he’s gone. Forever. He’s dead, Lo.” Roman shoved his head into his hands , dropping his phone onto the table. Logan simply stood there, stunned. 

He is well aware that humans can die, that they will. But… was this truly Remus’ time? It seemed very early, especially considering that Remus was physically fine. 

Logan paused. Remus was_ physically _ fine. Remus has an abhorrent history with his mental health, and this must’ve been the final straw.

“Roman,” Logan started. “I’m sorry for asking this, especially at a time like this, but how exactly did Remus die?”

Roman stared at him. “I-I’m not sure. I’ll ask.” Roman picked up his phone and saw that the call was still ongoing.

“Hey Jan?” he said, softly.

“Good, you’re back. I heard what L asked and,” He took a deep breath, “He committed suicide on his bed.” It took everything within Janus to not begin weeping all over again at that single line. That horrible sight-

“What?!” Roman shouted. “I-I thought he was getting better! I...I never thought he would-” he cut himself off. “No…”

Roman handed over his phone to Logan and excused himself. He really needed to be alone. Roman paced around, thinking about where to go. Once he made up his mind, he tried to rush there. But, right as he was about to leave, Logan grabbed his arm.

“Roman. We need to go over to Janus'. He found something on the bedside desk. But he says to visit in an hour, once the cops have left. He doesn’t want us to see him like that.” he said, a forlorn look across his features. Roman nodded and removed Logan’s grip from his arm before leaving the area.

Logan stood there watching him leave. He hung up on Janus and let his arms fall to his side before sitting back in the chair. The thought was so alien to him. Remus... committing suicide. He seemed so determined to get better. Saying he wanted to see their smiles when he was ‘done hating himself’. Logan should’ve kept a closer eye on him, made sure that he was taken care of. Logan shouldn’t have _ never _ trusted that mask Remus put up, he was supposed to see through it. Logan was smart, wasn’t he? He was supposed to see these types of things.

Suddenly, a ping noise went off from Roman’s cell. 

_ pick up roman from the park and get here now _

Janus somehow knowing the whereabouts of Roman is unsettling, but Logan let it slide knowing it was most likely due to years of knowing him. Logan put the phone in his pocket and ran towards the park, still aware of his surroundings. Remus was gone, but he couldn’t focus on that right now. If he did, he would lose focus and cry. Logan would mourn, and that is not what was needed of him at the moment. He can mourn later.

Once he reached the location, Logan’s heart began to break piece by piece. Roman was in a fetal position, his loud sobbing obvious. His sobbing wasn’t loud to anyone but Logan, as he could recognize that sight anywhere. Being friends for years did that to you. 

“Roman? Roman, c’mon. We have to go now.” he said gently.

Roman picked his head up, tears still streaming down his cheeks. Logan felt another piece of his heart shatter. He nodded and stuck out his arm. Logan hauled him up, holding his hand as they made their way to Remus and Janus' place. They both exchanged no words along the path.

The cops were there, taking away Remus’ corpse. Logan clutched Roman’s hand tightly and dragged him inside where Janus was. Janus was in the kitchen, a small paper in his hands. There was some kind of drawing depicted on the back, but it was folded up so it was difficult to tell what it was. 

Janus broke the silence. “I think this might be his suicide note. I didn’t read it, I want you guys to be here for that. Didn’t seem right without you two.”

Roman stifled a sob with hand while Logan nodded. They both made their way to Janus and huddled around him. He opened the letter, and all three huddled around him to scan the contents.

_ hello!!! jan roro and loli!!!!!!!!!!! im writing here today bc i am gonna die in abt like an hour im not exactly sure but aha i shall try my best _

_ i know i said i was getting better but that was kindaaaaa a lie!! ahaha i tricked you all!!!!! i still feel like hot trash, and not the good kind either :( im just a big ol failure and i dont want you guys to deal with that burden anymore!! _

_ to my double dick: im forever sorry you had room with me, deal with my awful tendencies, how im always asking for things, having to explain my actions to others, having to be with me in public (im so embarassing ew) and generally dealing with me! _

_ to smartass: i always bully you but really youre the only who Gets me gets me yano and im sorry im always so mean to you and teasing you it was so dumb of me and i wish i didnt do it but im so stupidly impulsive to the point where i just do and think + cry later _

_ to ro: im sorry for ever being born. youre the perfect twin, and im just the stain next to you. i hate it whenever you tell people we’re brothers. i love being your brother, but everyone can always tell what a garbage can i am compared to you. i became as disgusting as i am so everyone wouldnt compare or sumn anymore cos like im so bad and youre so good might as well be the worst but i just im sorry okay im so sorry you ever had to bear the burden of being kin to me. im so fucking sorry. _

_ im just sorry that you all had to deal with me for so long. im gone now, yay! but sorry for having been there to begin with. wouldve saved us all a shit ton of pain ahaha _

_ signing out forever, rem!!!! (sorry again) _

Roman was hunched over, holding his head. Sobs wracked his entire body, while Janus and Logan simply stood in shock. Did Remus really think this? Did he truly believe all of that? Did he die with those thoughts? Dying, thinking nobody would miss him and that nobody cares? That they would be ** _happy_ **?

Janus set down the note on the counter and excused himself. He would not cry in front of them.

Logan was crying. He couldn’t register his emotions, he always struggled with that, but this hollowing and aching feeling was anything but good. This strange emptiness that enveloped his insides. It hurt in a way that was completely unbearable. Did Remus feel like this? He couldn’t even ask that, Remus was gone. Janus was heaving heavily, tears coming out gradually. Everything felt like shit and he couldn’t think of any solution. This was one of those situations where you had to let time heal the wound, but the time before that would be agonizing. 

Roman was crushed. He saw the other side of that note. It was the last drawing Remus showed him before he died. Remus always had trouble showing Roman his drawings, feeling insecure and disgusting for his ideas and art. Roman was an avid supporter, constantly showering him with the praise he deserved. Even if Roman didn’t understand the appeal, he could respect the technique. But that day, Roman was rather stressed out. All of his school work was taking a toll on him, and Remus came at the peak of it. Roman couldn’t take the time to appreciate the other features and flashed a quick smile, pretending to like it. He didn’t like it at first glance and it showed. And then the actual content regarding Roman in his note. Feeling as if he was a burden, a disgrace on their name. Remus voiced his concerns about that previously, with his therapist Picani and him, and Roman thought he didn’t feel like that anymore. Remus was clearly better at masking than anyone thought he was.

All three of them mourned where they were, not bothering to move. The pain was too great to handle.

Remus was gone. He was gone, and there was nothing they could do about it. There are things they wish they had done, but they can’t do that anymore. It was much too late. There’s no such thing as a second chance. Remus was gone, and he was never coming back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what if i told you i have 10x worse fics in the works  
im not sorry you signed up for this  
OH AND BTW i was actually planning on those three to hug and be together and mourn together and all that but uh. this fic deadass writes itself and they kinda didnt so :) hope yall enjoyed!!!

**Author's Note:**

> m sorry if you felt like the cutting was unrealistic cos he wasnt thinking but like idk i just based it off my experience??? i didnt usually think at all when self harming so aha yes  
next chapter will contain,,, finding the body and everyone's reactions :3c


End file.
